Glorious Beautiful Mystery

I am reading a novel called "Love's Pursuit." I would not necessarily recommend it. But that has not stopped the Holy Spirit from confronting me with it.
The ending was tearing my heart out a little bit (as much as a fictional book can anyways), until the author very wisely understood something about God that I obviously had yet to see.
He made the misgivings of the main character suddenly become an act of great mercy by God. Which can be really hard to hear by anyone still affected by any great loss in their life. Sometimes I don't want to hear about how it was merciful, I just want, whatever it was that was lost, back.
Yet, the Holy Spirit blasted me as I read how a man who dies in the book, is not simply a dead man, but someone sent by God to rescue and die for someone else. "God had seen. God had understood. God had loved." He saw the current suffering and the suffering to come for the main character, and he acted by sending this man to intervene...and die.

I don't know if I explained that well enough to mean anything to you, but it meant ALOT to me.

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Here's what I had to say in response to my wonderful Holy Spirit and my current circumstances....


Oh God.
In all of my sufferings, I’ve never truly considered how you intervened daily on my behalf.
I saw the blessings, yes, but they were so quickly overshadowed with unplaced anger and hurt at the hardships.
And somehow in the midst of everything, they got placed on you. …you, of all people, received my harsh feelings and the withdrawal of my loyalty.
…Oh God.
How is that? How is it that out of everyone, you were the one I forsook? It was clear to me the people I was unhappy with, but never did I not extend forgiveness to them. And yet, even as I continued to follow your ways and honor your name, I turned my heart from you. The one person forever protecting and guiding and loving me, received the brunt of the blame. I didn’t know how to grieve, and so anger arose. I didn’t know how to see rightly, and so wrong deductions were made.
Oh the travesty I've committed. To shun the one person who has been fighting on my side, for me through everything.

God, you are so good. It is true.
I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. You are Good.
You have mastered the art of seeing past our sins, and somehow finding value in us.
You love the heart that is so often foolish, believing the lie and disregarding the truth.
Thank you again, for being patient with this stubborn, unlearned heart. I hope not to ever make this mistake again. I hope to hide myself forever more in the enfolding of your arms, tight to your chest.
But when my missteps are made again in the future, no matter how I try to avoid them, thank you again, for who you are.
You are patient, and kind. You are slow to anger.
You are not manipulated by me, nor shaken by my lack of fidelity.
You always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.
You never fail me.
Thank you.

Even now you rejoice with me, and feast, placing the daughter’s cloak back on my shoulders and the ring on my finger.
How can I ever be without, with you by my side?

*sigh*…


…it’s been a long couple of weeks. …maybe months.

My lack of scheduled events to make my calendar look full, has in no way kept my life from a whirl wind of busy.

I feel rather assaulted with life as an adult. I mean, I don’t mind taking on new responsibilities as much as feeling there are fewer and fewer places to feel secure.

In a time when God is “supposed to” (in my heart’s opinion) be leading me rather kindly and gently into change and growth, I feel utterly confronted with the fact that he’s not been my favorite person lately. We’ve been wrestling for at least a good 8 months now, and with life getting so busy, where’s the time for conflict resolution and relationship rebuild? I feel cheated out of a good old-fashion wooing from my creator who loves me. I can feel the wrestling coming to an end, but I can’t find the energy to sneak away for any good quality time to make real amends.

….blah…

Well, …at least this is all helping me to see that it really is God that is the most important relationship in life. Not because I never thought or acted on that before, but because I’m actually experiencing it now, first hand, in a whole new way.

     I was thinking this morning on the drive to church that I really miss the warmth I used to feel at the first thought of God, and how it never took much to feel the intimacy between us. And that living without that relationship with God is the most damaging act out there. I haven’t felt that specific kind of nearness with God in a while.
     And I realized it’s because I’ve been blaming all of my hardships in the past 8 months on previous sin done against me. I’ve been thinking that my heart was just so damaged by others that life took on a whole new shape just to heal.
     And even as that might be true in part, the reality of the hardship, is that somewhere in the mess of everything that was going on, I stopped trusting God.
     And it’s been THAT in itself, that has single-handedly destroyed my heart.
     I mean, how can someone live in an unsafe world without a strong God close by to protect them? There are way too many ways to get hurt and never recover. My injury being one of them.

And so, as I see my true issue, I can begin to take heart. Our God is so merciful that he is not only not offended with how I’ve been withholding my trust, but he is ever willing and rather passionate to remedy all of the distance that has developed between us.