Glorious Beautiful Mystery

So, I can't for the life of me figure out if I actually like when God draws near.

....Ok, so that sounds crazy, but just give me a second to explain.



       Umm...where to start? well, it turns out that God can be one of the most romantic people ever. I really love taking strolls with him through foresty areas, usually in the evening as it's getting darker, sometimes when it's windy or even a light rain. I know it might sound unusual, but that's me. There's something very majestic about nature, and nicely mysterious about the darkness of night or the intensity of different weather conditions. It all draws me in and provokes a sense of awe in me. I feel my spirit quieted as I just listen and wait in the deep silence. It's in that moment that I'm struck with such overwhelming joy at the greatness of our God. His beauty is so magnificant...glorious really.

       And yet, in that same moment I start to feel a longing groaning deep inside of me. An aching that strikes me to the core. And I have a realization of the honest tangible separation of God from me. I will never fully be united with God until the world is stripped of evil. ..of pain and suffering...of our sin. There's just too many things still getting in the way of me being able to fully connect with God, and fully leave all of the corruption of this world behind.
      And in that moment, I can't stand it. I start to feel the agony of not being touched by God, of not being able to hug my heavenly Father and have him say, "the pain is over, I won't ever let anyone hurt you again. You can sit in my embrace for as long as you want." Because the truth is, the battle is not over, the pain will not cease until sin is vanquished when Jesus returns.....oh, what a glorious moment that will be!

So, you see...there's two sides to this coin...One: you receive a warm reminder of God's love and magnificance ....Two: you are reminded of the pain of separation that still remains...



And the reality is that it's better to be alive and feel love mixed with pain, than dead and feel nothing.

So, I guess that's my answer. .....I wouldn't trade those moments with God for the world.



Oh, and I think that the contentment in those moments also depends on the status of life in general as well. When pain is super evident in life, then I think it transfers over to that longing for Jesus to return already.

Lately, I've been so focused on my search for God's plans in my life.

Oftentimes the plans he has for my future are just a dormant dream, untouched and waiting for when the time comes to access them...to use the vision present in them to push me forward into further depths of sacrifice of my own desires and ways of life, and to pick up more of God's wise rich Love for me.
When these dreams are dormant, having clarity in them is unnecessary. I'm very content to let them sit until a new day comes to search them out again for meaning and encouragement.

HOWEVER, in a time like this, where purpose for this season of my life is fairly unclear, a season in which I'm simply waiting on the Lord to speak new direction, so I can listen and take action, having blurry dreams is SO ANNOYING!
And therefore, the search begins! I want more specific vision for this coming next step. I want to know for which I'm preparing. I want to know what it is I can be earnestly praying about until the day that it arrives. I want to know what it is God desires that I invest in so that it will reap harvest later in my life. There are so many good things out there to be had and experience, but not all of them are the means to the end that God desires for me. I want to be focused in my pursuit of the holiness that God has for me. We are only here on earth for a short time, and thus not all things are worthy of that time, for God has a particular role for each of us. We are to obey God in the things he specifically calls us individually to, rather than just earn religious approval by doing random good things where need is found.

"So God...what's my heading? to what direction do I aim? where is it you would have me stand?"
"Please do not keep silent. I can not live in this wandering for much longer."
"I know I've taken on damages in the past year, but full-working capacity or not, I cannot be aimless any longer. I need your touch in my life. I need that motor under me, pressing me forward to spend more radical moments with you. A mundane relationship causes such carelessness on my part, and I can't bear to be apart from you."

"Father...Dad...draw close to me, and speak plainly of your love, speak plainly of who I am to you, speak plainly of what you would have me do...I want to honor you all of my days. It gives me such pleasure to do your bidding and to have you walking with me all the while. Your touch is something so magnificant, it overwhelms me. I can't get enough of you. Breath is so sweet when I'm in your presence. Make life an endless moment with you. Help me to continue to see the wonders of your touch on so many things in my life daily. I want to be comforted by you alone.  ....oh, to have that kind of intimacy with you.  I won't want to be distracted for a second.     ....and yet, you wish that I go out as well, to share you with others, to gift them with the knowledge of the things you've gifted to me, this intimacy.   It's quite a tug of war."
"I love you Dad. I love that you let me so close, that I get real face time with you."

Night.

There's so much Dignity to be found in God.
He calls us his children...He sees us as friends...He values everything about the way He created us...He's caring, compassionate, and knows all things, so He won't misunderstand or misjudge us...He is so humble that He desires not to look down on us as the lesser, created being, but instead to lift us up for all to see, for He's proud of and loves us, his creation.

Being His daughter is such a wonderful gift. He has such wonderful thoughts about me.
I get so tired of others having a "right to their own opinion" of me. I hate seeing it played out before me when there's nothing loving about their opinion. I hate receiving the repercussions of their low perceptions of me.

Why is it our society has to have such a low view on people who don't know something about something? We seem to have such a distaste for ignorant people. I mean, that word alone has so many bad connotations that come with it. But the reality is, very few reasons a person might have for being ignorant of something is worth condemning them for. And, honestly, when said like that, no reason is good enough. And yet, our society seems to train us in having contempt for the unintelligent and having fear to be caught as such.

I've been finding myself in the position of "not knowing" lately. And it's been revealing my blatant fear of being caught unaware. A fear of being seen as dumb. And yet, as the fear presents itself, when analyzed, the context for it is ridiculous. It's things like asking a question that probably everyone already knows the answer to (but you obviously don't, so what's the fear in asking)...or wearing the wrong shoes for a certain occasion because no one told you there was a special dress code....or asking someone to repeat themselves for like the third time because you didn't understand them (and somehow that makes you look stupid instead of them just speaking unintelligibly )....or any other social standard that we can come up with, that everyone is supposed to be privy to no matter where they come from. And it's precisely this that makes new people and places so hard. It means a whole new world of ridiculous standards you're not accustomed to, but feel obligated to follow.
I find I fight so hard to remember God's thoughts about me are what count. That other's do not, and especially not those who simply don't know me well enough to have a well-informed opinion.

What's even more interesting is that sometimes I think I fight harder now, to keep from being hurt by people, than I ever did in the past, before I truly understood God's feelings towards me. Because now i fight to believe what he tells me is true about my value, rather than just agree with all of the worst opinions of me people might have. And I fight to keep my heart soft, rather than give my heart over to resentment, bitterness, and hate, which would be all too easy compared to forgiveness, humility, and love.

On a really tired day, selflessness looks really heavy and angersome, indulging in a good bitter thought or a few malice words towards somebody becomes so tempting. Letting everyone know "I couldn't care less how they feel about me, so go tell someone else".......but the truth is, when you open your heart to give love, you also open it to receive it, or not in some cases...it's a two way street, always....and being hurt by a lack of good reception by somebody becomes a big part of life.......and it hurts....and it makes loving hard....and it makes what Jesus did nothing short of the greatest act of Love ever (not just dying on the cross, by the way, but his whole life).

Anyways, all that to say, I love the Dignity that I find in God. I want to live in it daily. I don't want to be so subject to feeling stripped of it by other people's actions and thoughts towards me.
And if I can manage to live with God's Dignity, then I can also give it away. I want others to know the Dignity that I've found in Jesus, in knowing the free-will that's been gifted to me and not taken away despite any hurtful usage of it, that He doesn't give something to us to keep one minute and then take it back the next. The Dignity of being Loved and choosing whether or not to love back.

I'm entering the world of Blog.
I wonder how deep this rabbit hole will go.
In the beginning there was God, and today I spoke with him.
Oh the Joy of breathing, of knowing the gift of life.
To know Love and make Love known, what a rich calling.
Have you perfected the Art of Giggling? There's not a better passtime.
When the importance of Forgiveness is finally realized, it can take it's rightful place as close friend and ally.
In a country of independents, who needs God? the person that sees the value in a perfect Father.

I've never had a blog before, but have really enjoyed the concept since participating on a small scale with a group of friends from church a few years ago. As we simply relieved our hearts and minds into the keyboard and onto myspace, we where allowed to see just where each one of us was at and support each other in our endeavors in life, trying to live well in the light of God's love for us. So now, here I am staring at the computer and realizing again how much I just want to be relieved of so many things that go through my head daily. I've walked through some really wild, unpredicted, and marvelous stuff these past couple of years and am finding I have some things to say. So, if you would like to join as God and I meander through my maze of thought-processes over the coming months, that would be swell. I might also revisit some old memories as we hash through, but it should be good. I know I'm getting excited! See you soon : )